Mario the Idiot

Backstory: While searching through old data discs from back in the day, I found this story. Completely awestruck by the quality of this work (for my age at the time), and having no actual memory of writing it, I decided to salvage the text file and post it for all to see. The following was written on April 22, 2001 by my kid self. Minor edits have been made for consistency. Enjoy.

Mario the Idiot

a short story by

Jeremy Minney

All I have to say is-a Friday the 13th was-a NOT, I repeat, was-a NOT Good Friday. It-a was-a bad Friday! Let me-a tell-a you why...

One day, I was at my pad eating a Nutty Bar and watching Shroom News, when I heard a loud crash. It-a was the door. Somebody had knocked over my door. I was ready to fight, then I realized it was Luigi.

"Mario!" Luigi screamed, "Somethin' weird is-a happening!"

"Luigi, you idiot, you broke down the door!"

"No, Mario, you don't understand!"

"What do I not understand?! You broke the door!"

Luigi then whispered something into my ear. It-a is-a so horrifying, I cannot tell you what it-a is-a. Luigi and me headed out into the back yard to see the strangest thing ever. It's-a crazy Koopa Troopa.

"See, Mario? He's gone berserk!" Luigi said to-a me: Mario.

"HELP ME!! IT'S MY SHELL!! MY SHELL!! AIIIIEEEE!!" screamed the Koopa in agony as he bounced around. But near the Koopa, I saw a Shy Guy watching him. I walked over to him so I could ask-a him-a what-a was-a wrong-a with-a the-a Koopa-a.


"Hey, what's-a going on here?" I asked the Shy Guy.

"A Goomba got in his shell and is trying to eat him alive," replied the Shy Guy.

"Come on, Mario. Get the Goomba out!" Luigi asked of me with-a the tears in his eyes-a.

"No way! Me ain't touchin' that!" I yelled back.


After some arguing, I had not a choice but to help the Koopa. First, I tried jumping on it's-a shell.

"OW!" yelled the Koopa, "Don't jump on me!"

"Sorry," I said back with disappointment.


I then tried sticking my hand into the Koopa Shell, but I got bitten by the Goomba!

"OUCH!!!" I screamed and jumped back, falling onto Toad, squishing him like a pancake.

"OWWW!!" Toad cried as he had-a just entered the story.

"Mario, what the shrooms is going on?" Toad asked me, "Why are you playing with a Koopa?"

"I don't-a play with the Koopas, Toad," I explained, "This-a Koopa is-a being attacked by a Goomba!" I stood up and-a dusted myself off.

Now here's where I made my biggest mistake...

"Hey, I gots an idea!" I said as I pulled out a Bob-omb, lit it-a, and shoved it-a into the Koopa shell-a.

"AHHH!!" everyone screamed. Toad planted himself in the ground, Luigi hid behind a tiny rock, the Shy Guy was long gone, and I was just standing there like an idiot. The Bob-omb exploded and the Goomba fell to the grass-a. He had little X's on his eyes. And that's when I thought I-a saved the day.

"Problem solved!" I said and smiled, "Goomba dead!" But the Koopa... was-a not-a smiling. He got angry because I blew up his-a shell and attacked me while he was in-a his underwear.

"AHHH!! You be nasty!! Get-sa off-a me-a!!" I yelled as a squirmed around. I ran around in-a circles with a Koopa biting into my skull. I think I-a fainted after that because I-a lost so much blood.

* * *

I woke up in-a the hospital. When I opened my eyes, Luigi was staring at-a me-a. He looked like a bug, so I smacked him by accident.

"Ouch..." Luigi groaned.

"You're not-a bug," I said to him. I got out of the hospital bed and got my Mario outfit back on.