Video games exist, and sometimes they are too hard. As a professional casual gamer, I find this problem to be unacceptable. In response to this crisis, I have constructed a protocol for correcting both retro and modern gaming. Here it is:
A list of things to remove from video games forever
Spikes - Why even put these in a video game in the first place? Just to set the player up for failure? That's the only reason I can think of other than they look pretty damn cool. Still, though. Spikes are only necessary in Mortal Kombat. In everything else, they are obstacles. What's up with that?
Pits - Why do these exist? How am I supposed to dash through a whole Mario level when there are holes in the ground? Can I not even trust the game anymore at this point? What were the game makers thinking? Oh, I know...
Game makers meeting
Guy #1 (probably the executive developer): Alright, we need to make a game, but we want the player to have a bad time.
Guy #2: Let's put holes in the floor.
Guy #1: Great idea. I will now give you a promotion.
Guy #2: *excited!* Yes! I was really hoping for that!
Guy #3: *feeling blue* Damn.
Enemies - Especially in fighting games. How am I supposed to appreciate the arena if some guy is just kicking my ass? How many times do I have to press A until all these enemies go away? Why do Pokemon live in grass? (for example, what if I cut the grass? Would that cut the Pokemon too? Is it ethical) Why do Piranha Plants live in pipes? Why are sea urchins invincible in so many games?
Enemy re-spawns - Seriously, wtf.
Levels - As in, experiencing gaining and leveling up. This is a chore. It would be much easier and more considerate if game makers made your guy level 100 at the beginning of the game. Also it'd be great if the beginning, middle, and end of the game were all one level. Speaking of levels...
Levels - The other kind of level. As in, game levels. Worlds. Lands. Why do we need these in games? Seriously, they take up a lot of data and often are too vast. Open world games are especially guilty of this. If a game has more than one map/room/level, you should just burn it.
Bosses - So you make it through the whole level, only to find yourself facing a whole new challenge. It's the boss. And if you die, you have to play the level over again and/or re-fight the boss. But why? What's that boss doing there? Doesn't that boss have somewhere else to be, something else to do? If you were a boss, would you hang out at the end of levels in video games all day?
Bosses aren't needed. All they do is challenge the player. We play video games to win all the time and reinforce our desire for instant gratification. We don't play games to be challenged and overcome the odds. Geez.
Grinding - You've started your first RPG, but you keep dying when you try to get past the first town. Why? Oh, it's because the game wants you to train. Wow, seriously, game? This is just another saga of Dragon Ball Z at this point. Grinding will take you hours of labor, just as a fight in Dragon Ball Z takes hours of talking. In both scenarios, you won't see any progress until the grinding/talking is over with. There are, however,
ROM hacks of games called "Easy types" which remove the nuisance of grinding. So that's cool.
Exxxtra lives - Instead of having to work for and lose through so many extra lives (or, as they called them in my day, "extra men"), why not just give the player infinite lives?
Continues - Why not infinite continues?
Player death - Whoever thought of this concept had the intention of ruining games for everyone. I don't want to play a game that kills me. I'm playing a game because I want to enjoy my life. Why would I play a game to die a thousand and one times?
